Intervention, Biatch
by XimitationXgoth
Summary: It's Naruto's intervention. The boy has a lot of problems, but one in particularly catches everyone's attention. Now, one knows madness is assured when a whole bunch of people Sakura, Sasuke, Neji, etc gather to rip on Naruto.Crack one-shot. OroSas


Ugh, this is like my second time writing a fanfiction. And it's my first time writing a one shot. It's crackaliscious. I hope y'all enjoy it because one reviewer suggested that I should write more stuff and though I know this is not what he meant, I can't write serious stuff. There's enough drama in life as it is. Why not spread the joy?

Okay, I'm done talking.

I dedicate this story to my friend and editor Lord Dogma, my fellow sickly role-players, and the reviewer who inspired me. Oh, but I don't own any of the Naruto characters.

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**Intervention, Biatch **

by imitationXgoth

Naruto hadn't been seen for days.

He wasn't at the training grounds or the ramen shop. He wasn't in the market place, public bathroom, or stalking Sakura. He wasn't even stalking Sasuke! Now that _was_ a serious problem for a certain black haired ego maniac. What's more, they were sure that Naruto hadn't been in those places for days or for what it had seemed like weeks. Hinata, who occasionally accidentally followed Naruto, vowed upon her life that the boy came into his apartment Friday night and to this moment was there. Everyone hardly believed that. I mean, even Naruto had some social life. He couldn't possibly have been in his room for three days straight without coming out. That was insane, preposterous, frankly faintly crack-fictionish.

But anyway, most were terribly concerned. Whatever Naruto was doing on his own, obviously it wasn't healthy. And so, with the aid of Kakashi (who happened to have nothing better to do than to worry about personal lives of his students), Sakura and Sasuke came up with a plan.

With Kakashi on the roof, on the look out for any activity, and Sasuke hanging out by the window, using his chakra to stick to the wall, Sakura was to play the decoy in case something horrible was happening inside the Uzumaki apartment. She tapped her phone piece, checking if it was on. Once she heard a hiss from Sasuke, the girl was satisfied with the quality of sound.

"No signs of forced entry," Sakura murmured into the hidden microphone as she reached the correct flight. Green eyes fell on the shabby door. Yes. It seemed perfectly normal. Sure, the paint was coming off in some places, but the lock was in place and there were no burn or drill marks. She rubbed her chin. What in the world could Naruto possibly be doing in there?

"I'm approaching the target," said the girl and made the first shaky steps. Oh my. What if it was Akatsuki? What if those bastards (especially that Sasori guy) got hold of poor Naruto and they were raping his tender bottom right now? THREE DAYS IN A ROW! She shuddered and knocked on the door.

No sound.

She knocked again.

But still, there was no sign of life on the other side of the door. Well, that could eliminate the raping scenario because obviously, Naruto would have been screaming his head off. "Target is not responding. What should I do, dog?"

"Break down the door or something, demon-woman," a fashionably bored Kakashi spoke, brushing a hand through his glorious hair as he read his dirty erotica. Oh, the place he could be touching now instead…. God damn those kids. He was wasting his life with them.

"Aye, dog," said the girl. She aimed, pressing her knuckles against the wood before pulling her fist back. Sakura heaved a sigh and then BAM! The door went out into a million pieces and now there was a whole entryway for her to saunter in. And it was exactly what the girl did.

She was immensely surprised that still no one came running, even with all this noise. "Target is still not responsive. Maybe he's not home?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Yeah and where else would he be? The intelligence confirmed his location, demon-woman."

The girl was about to abandon the mission and go murder Sasuke, staging it as a suicide because no one dared to scoff at HER, but instead she stepped into the dinky apartment. Oh - my - god. It smelled. Oh my god. And what was that? It was rotting ramen hanging from the walls. The girl threw up a little in her mouth, putting a palm over her lips as she made another step. This must be some kind of sick jutsu.

Soon she was halfway down the hall before finally, she saw some sign of life besides the mold. In one of the rooms, Sakura could almost spot a flash of blue light creeping from under the closed door. Panic overtook her. Surely it was a sign of Akatsuki! "It's the enemy. I need back up right now. Dog. Avenger. I'm going in."

She charged the door, screaming like a mad woman that she really was. "DDIIIIE RAPING SCUM!" Sasuke with a skill worthy of any drunken monkey swung himself over, kicking through the window. Between the splinters and the pieces of broken glass, it was hard to tell what was happening for a moment. But soon the dust settled.

Kakashi sauntered in a moment later. "Wait… was I supposed to charge in with yo-" The man stopped speaking as he too froze on the spot gapping like Sakura and Sasuke.

There sat Naruto, in his boxers in front of the computer. The fucker didn't even notice them. Sakura blinked coming over to Naruto, tapping him on the shoulder. The boy jumped, reluctantly turning away from the screen.

"Oh, hey guys. When did you get here?"

Sasuke slapped himself in the forehead. "Idiot, you haven't left your apartment for three fucking days. What the hell were you doing the whole time?"

Naruto sheepishly grinned rubbing his forearm, turning back to the screen. "Role-playing yaoi. Duh," said the boy, beginning to type up a reply to his latest role-play. It was then that the gang realized that Naruto had a serious problem and it was time for them to do something.

It was time to whip out cell phones and call anyone who had nothing to do, which turned out to be quite a lot of people. Soon the apartment was filled to the brim by individuals from all sorts of places and episodes: from the arrogant Neji Huuga to the murderous and fresh out of psych-ward Gaara. Though some wondered how the sand-nin was able to get here so fast, it was obvious that he flew on pure bitch power. Plus, this could potentially be interesting.

Now then, with everyone in place and looking especially morbid, Naruto was still eagerly typing away at his keyboard. It seems as though the boy didn't hear any of the commotion at all.

"Naruto," said Sakura gently tapping the boy on the shoulder. He didn't respond. "C'mon, let's get this over with. I'm late for my facial already," whined Orochimaru in the background. Tsunade walked over to the computer, slammed Naruto across the head with a mouse and then pulled the plug.

"Wha? Noooooo" the dazed boy asked and screamed, lunging for the chord, which was snatched from his hands at once. He rubbed his aching head before he finally faced the crowd. Those eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he hadn't eaten in days and he was still wearing his boxers, which were perhaps three days old as well.

"Naruto. We all care about you a lot…. except for maybe Orocimaru and Itachi and very likely Kakashi," began Sakura. "And we all think that you need help."

"Hell yeah I need help. My computer just died. And since y'all are already here, might as well pitch in so I can buy a new one. My g-mail has been running slow and stuff. "

"You've snapped, boy," Jiraya said with hearty laugh.

"This be an intervention, biatch," the newfound ghetto-lisious Neji said, flashing a gang sign as he added to Jiraya's previous assertions.

"Intervention? I don't need an intervention. I'm perfectly fine."

"Naruto, what have you been doing for the past three days?" soothingly Tsunade asked, smacking Jiraya away from her large bust as his hearty laugh got a little too rowdy.

"Role-playing," said the boy quietly.

"Everyone knows role-playing is not healthy. It's a bad bad habit."

"But… but… I almost got to the sex scene with Sasuke," Naruto tried to defend himself.

"Sasuke? I knew it. The drama queen is a queen," happily Ino squealed because like may authors wrote before, she was a yaoi fanatic. At once, she began drooling over the raven's shoulder. "Doesn't Neji have nice shaved legs, Sasuke?" she whispered into the raven's ear. "Ino, this is not _my_ intervention. This is Naruto's. And yes. He does have nicely shaved legs."

"Not as nice as mine!" said Orochimaru, proceeding to lift his leggings to reveal amazingly shaped legs, not to mention that they were expertly shaved. Few of the present company quietly applauded this achievement, but Naruto seemed exasperated..

"I didn't mean the _real_ Sasuke. No. No. Ew. It's the role-play I'm doing with sandyaoikitty. I just sent him this awesome post. Um... um…. It's like Orochimaru was dragged up by Sasuke on top of a semi-truck and now they're like making out and and… oh, _Christ_, I just know he already replied. I NEED TO READ IT. _NOW_!!!" the boy screamed out in frenzy, foaming a little at the mouth. He lunged for the crowd, trying to make his way out of the apartment and into the internet café.

Unfortunately, the crowed turned out to be pretty thick and Naruto, after making it half way to the front door, was stopped and dragged back by the ankles into the main room. "No. No. Sandyaoikitty, forgive meeeee!" the boy hollered all the way back to his seat.

"Naruto. Naruto. You have a problem. We all chipped in and we're sending you to rehab."

"It'll do you some good."

"Totally."

But the boy couldn't be quieted. He was raving mad, biting and snapping and scratching.

"But I don't want to go to rehab! Believe it!" Naruto hollered on top of his lungs, swatting away the multitude of hands that were trying to pin him down. "I don't have a problem."

"Doesn't matter," said Kakashi darkly. "We already paid for it.You're going there." He turned to the others. "Let's tie him up and ship him off to the rehab. Lindsay Lohan has been dieing to meet him."

The screaming, biting, and angry Naruto was tied up, gagged, knocked out and put into a box. With a few last parting words, the gang licked a stamp, put it on the box and submitted the box to FedEx. Sakura cried as did Sasuke, because there would be no one to stalk him for six whole weeks. Jiraya was knocked out as well, because Tsuande was yet sober enough to realize that she was being groped. Neji and Orochimaru went to the salon to get their legs waxed together. And Gaara was left alone when every one else left.

He looked around, plugging in the power chord of the computer. He turned it on, looking around right and left. Gaara was really alone.. He signed into his e-mail and began typing.

"Sasuke licked his lips seductively, running a hand down his own inner thigh. "I'll be gentle with you, Orochimaru-sensei…."


End file.
